In true Aiden overthinking fashion, I have been noticing how I show love with the new boy. It’s interesting to note that my usual (or at least previously typical) methods of expressing love have taken a backseat to others… or at least are just different. I find it interesting that I’m expressing in different ways – seemingly DOING LESS – yet being more open and allowing myself to receive in ways I’ve always desired.
Perhaps it’s lack of funds, places shopped, or (gasp!) inspiration, but I’ve noticed I’m not showering him with little gifts to say, “I thought of you” or “I totally think you should have this”. Instead, I shower him with touch when he’s with me, words of love when we are together and apart, and send letters to read when we’re miles apart. I’m sharing my thoughts, my tribe, my life, and my passions with him – no small gift, to be sure!
All of this seems so “ordinary” – so simple. I realize that authentic expression is still better than forced and/or fake, yet I still feel the urge to judge and compare. I still can’t shake this feeling that I’m not “doing enough”… and then I acknowledge what I’m doing – I’m repeating the cycle of believing that I need to DO something in order to be loved, to receive love, and to continue love. While it’s very important to demonstrate and reciprocate love, our worthiness of being loved isn’t based in what we do – it’s who we ARE. And yet, I still see this awful pattern I keep repeating… and I despise it.
As his other special person stated, “Always remember you are worthy of love inherently, not because you do or show “enough” to earn it. *That’s just the bonus of having someone in your life you want to share those things with*, whether it’s a gift, a letter, or hugs and smooches.” So. Fucking. True.
So, I’m giving this monkey on my back a name, and I’m going to call it, “DumDum”. Perhaps by bringing it to the light and giving it a name, perhaps I can conquer it and move forward?